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Five moderately disappointing things about the Noughties

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The trouble with these internet lists is that they’re so hysterical and needy. It’s always ‘The 10 best this’, or ‘The 15 worst that’ – or the ’10 weirdest sexual the other’.

‘What about the middle ground?’, you reasonably suggest, at an audible – but not excessive – volume. ‘Where’s the list for the non-extreme?’ you add, always being aware of other viewpoints as you aim to come to a rational, fair conclusion.

Well, moderation fans. It’s time for you to rejoice (or at least feel suitably pleased, whatever it is you do to celebrate).

I, Tiny Dan off of Stephen Merchant’s now-defunct BBC 6 Music Radio Show (I was often referred to as the John Lennon Pete Best of the show’s posse, you know) have spent a certain amount of time, not too much, recalling a few things about the period 2000-2009 which are a bit of a letdown. 

And, in a first for the internet, my thoughts are being presented in list form.

It’s what the 3,653-day period which made up ‘The Noughties’ would have wanted if he/she was still alive and/or a person.

TEN YEARS – FIVE HURTS 

5 – Me stopping being young
One of the many great evils about life is that it must be lived chronologically. Thus, having forever been young and inexperienced, you don’t have the experience to deal with finding yourself no longer young and inexperienced.

It’s difficult to put an exact date on when I realised I was no spring chicken. But the first tiny sign was in August 2001 when So Solid Crew’s ’21 Seconds’ got to number one. It was the first chart song I genuinely didn’t get.

‘But it’s crap’, ‘It’s so boring’, ‘It’s just annoying’ is what my 27-year-old self would say before realising with horror that was exactly what the older generation always said about my music. (Although I did quite fancy Lisa Maffia.)

That tiny, but so solid drip of doubt soon became a gushing torrent of bewilderment at the whole of youth culture – before long I was wandering the streets, tears streaming down my face, brandishing a printout of the latest Top 40 while bellowing ‘Do you understand?!? DO YOU?!?!? No? NO? NEITHER DO I?!?!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! NEITHER DO I?!?!?!!!!11111!!!1!111!11111!!!!!11!!!11’ at innocent passers-by.

4 – The England Football Team
Ten years of football, of course, could fill this list a million times over – or one uber-long list with five million entries. I’ll keep this one brief. Please, England Football Team, can you stop being so well-paid, pampered and rubbish at major tournaments? Cheers ta.

3 – The continuing appropriation by corporations of great soul music in their adverts
I famously played Ernie K Doe’s brilliant funk up ‘Here Come The Girls’ on Stephen Merchant’s 6 Music Radio Show on September 2007 – I can prove it.

Two months later, popular pharmaceutical combo Boots used it to soundtrack their Christmas TV ad campaign.

Coincidence?

Yes. Of course it was. Don’t be ridiculous*. But how annoying was that, then?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for the wider dispersal of music within our culture. I’m not one of these awful people who thinks obscure=good and popular=bad while ironically wearing a flat cap in Hoxton eating ciabatta and making ‘lifestyle choices’ with my latest app and laughing too loudly with my hairstyled friends. That sort can bum off. But look:

  • In 2003, fast foodsters KFC used Marlena Shaw’s California Soul to sell their fried chicken product
  • In 2005, stubby pen-utilising retailer Argos used Jean Knight’s Mr Big Stuff to sell their bafflingly broad range of consumer durables
  • In 2004, creamy alcohol pushers Baileys used 4Hero’s sublime cover of Les Fleur to sell their brown booze
  • In 2001, Panthenol Pro-Vitaimin B5 lovers Pantene used Jackie Wilson’s Higher and Higher to promote their plastic tubes of hair goo
  • And in 2003, perennial ‘We’re healthy, us!’ tryhards McDonald’s used Booker T and the MGs’ Green Onions to promote their plastic tubes of hair goo, sorry, food.

This list could go on (yeah, and you could’ve put some bloody jokes in it too – Ed), but I’ve got a home to go to. The point is, there is nothing less cool than aligning music with a specific consumer product. And I shudder at the thought of the foaming mouths of the Marketing Brand Promotion Audience Impact Re-Imaginers as they cackle over their next Tune/Product Alliance Initiative. 

Naturally, it’s not so simple as what I’ve done gone put there. Those Capital Analyst Product Synergy Advertiser Pro-Actives do indeed foam at the mouth (and they’ve got funny, small, beady eyes), but their relation with the art isn’t all one-way.

Yes, many bands are happy to have their music used, yes, the financial rewards have helped many subsequently produce good work, yes, some of these ads are genuinely good/interesting/funny and, yes, the exposure will introduce some new fans to music and, hey, doesn’t the end justify the means?

And yes, if Boots want to pay me to use this blog to advertise their EK Doe-themed wares, I will of course listen to their offer and almost certainly accept (Tenner a word Mr Boots? Just in case you say yes – here – are – some – utterly – unnecessary – words – which – have – just  – earned – me – an – extra – one – hundred – and – eighty – quid. Ace (£190)).

But I’ve always had a deeply personal relationship with my music – it connects uniquely with me, it will evoke a particular time and place which is special to me. To have that same music co-opted by homogenous multi-national corporations in the interest of generic product promotion simply strikes a bum note.

(* If you know otherwise, drop me a line. I don’t think there are any conspiracy theories out there on the internet at the moment, so we’ll be breaking more new ground)

2 Breaking News; the devaluement thereof
When I was a nipper, a newsflash was a rare event, requiring something truly epochal to be occurring. I remember the feeling of dread as a terrifyingly stark title card was accompanied by the emotionless words ‘We interrupt our regular broadcast…’ along with a sudden lurch in my bowels.

Now, our multitude of 24-hour news broadcast operations will flash their ‘breaking news’ graphics – the modern-day equivalent of sombre grey-suited Leonard Parkin busting in to the 1980s telly schedules – quite literally at the drop of a hat. ‘Queen drops hat while fishing’ is one I saw the other day.  I didn’t see that the other day.

Seriously, if the quarterly pre-tax sales overhead analysis budget of every single two-bit retailer is gonna be flashed across the screen as though King Edward had just abdicated the throne to make love with Marilyn Monroe before being shot by Hitler – the benchmark of ‘Newsflash’ status in the 20th Century – then how am I going to know when something really important has happened?

I’m not, dear reader (Surely ‘readers’? – Ed). That’s the simple truth. I’m not. 

Answer? They’ll have to flash ‘NO, SERIOUSLY, PROPER BREAKING NEWS’ to make us take note in the future. Or wobble the camera a bit in the studio and play a low rumbling noise underneath, to emphasise the utter newsy-ness of what’s occurring. They could flash ‘NEWSQUAKE’ in double-height letters. The presenters would have to shout details of the world-changing events while huddling under their desks from bits of rubble being thrown around by stagehands. And post-bulletin, I’d like the newsreaders to be helped, exhausted and beaten, from the studio, before theatrically returning James Brown style to deliver an ‘And finally…’ item.

1 The disappearance of The Neptunes from the charts
It’s easily forgotten now, but earlier in the decade, The Neptunes more or less produced every brilliant record in the UK charts. They made some of the naughtiest Noughties music – and it was properly subversive in that the mass population is rarely exposed to stuff that be so damn all up in yo ass phonky.

Rather than bore you with chat about who they are, who I am, why they’re great, why I’m not and why you need to get more of their stuff, here’s a link to wikipedia and, in no particular order, 10 brilliant Neptunes bits of the Noughties:

Get them all, Teds, and maybe the next bit of this Millennium will be marginally less horrific.

 

Infuriated by my choices? Can’t wait to vent your anger about them? That’s odd – I said at the start this list was going to be mild. That was kind of the point. How did you mis-read that? How did you get it so badly wrong? Are you just someone with anger issues? Maybe you need to calm down. It’s not doing anything for your blood pressure you know. Perhaps just log off, eh, and go for a walk round the park. Then come back, log in and tell me how much you enjoyed my list! Hooray for everyone!

2009 – Ten Tiny Dan opinions

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by Tiny Dan

I was online the other day and thought – you know what this web thing needs? A list of stuff that happened during the past 12 months! Yeah!

Well, in order to provide one and thus complete the internet, here’s Tiny Dan’s sideways take on the lousy good-for-nothing complete and utter annus that is 2009…

A LIST OF TEN 2009 THINGS

10 Most unexpected bout of tears
Oh yeah, Tiny Dan is tough. I got locked out of my house once – didn’t even think about crying. At an Indian Restaurant, I’ll always go for the lime pickle. Drinks? ‘A half?’ ‘No sir! Tiny Dan will have a PINT!’ – that’s the sort of level we’re talking. A Tiny, Tiny condensed ball that will not yield – I am possibly the densest matter in the universe (apart from this).

All the more wonder then, that during that opening bit of the Pixar film ‘Up’, a watery substance – later diagnosed as ‘cry’ – began to leak from my eye ducts. If you’ve seen it, you’ll know why. Near the start of the movie is that incredible animated montage of two lives passing by – it’s so simple, yet utterly beautiful and totally heartbreaking.

9) Most complete demise of the final vestiges of any interest I retained in a particular genre of TV: Reality
Perhaps it was the horribly overblown coverage of the tragic death of Jade Goody that did it. Perhaps it is the ongoing media portrayal of Susan Boyle as some sort of ‘wacky celeb’, rather than a troubled woman struggling with an intense media spotlight which is utterly out of proportion with her talent. Perhaps I’m just jealous of Ant ‘n’ Dec. Whatever, I extracted no joy whatsoever from reality TV this year and couldn’t even tell you who won what.

Except the Apprentice. I bloody love the Apprentice.

8 ) Best hip-hop album you didn’t hear in 2009: Doom – Born Like This
Brother, I would like to know why all of you haters be sleeping on this one (kindly inform me with a comment at the end of the article). I’ve already bored most of my chums telling them how brilliant Doom (AKA MF Doom AKA Metal Fingers AKA Danger Doom AKA Madvillain) is. This album is by turns leftfield (Thank Yah), inventive (Lightworks), dubious (Batty Boyz) and intense (Cellz) – you basically need this.

7) Tiny Dan’s Glastonbury break-out moment: The XX
I’ll front up. I wasn’t there. I watched it on the telly.

Now, I was aware that there was some kind of ‘buzz’ around new music combo The XX and lo and behold, they were about to do one of those little backstage performances that you get on BBC Three. I dunno why but I expected it to be some overblown pompous load of old crud. Turns out it was all like early ‘80s Cure B-sides and New Order done gone be playing up in my head. Cue big Tiny Dan grin and XX on heavy rotation from thence onwards.

6) Best Me Nearly Getting Harry off of Stephen Merchant’s 6Music Radio Show into Big Trouble Moment of ‘09
It’s a toss-up. Either
a) Bumping into him at the Oval during the World Twenty20 cricket and discussing the event using some pretty robust and earthy language – only to subsequently discover that the older types nearby were in fact his girlfriend’s parents, or
b) Having a delightful summer pint at the Thames-side pub the White Cross in Richmond and using the exceptionally high tide which cut us off as an excuse to stay out for several more (even though, really, we could have escaped with little danger to life and limb despite claims to the contrary) when he was already overdue a return home to get the dinner on

5) Best hip-hop album you may have heard in 2009: Mos Def – The Ecstatic
Basically, when hip-hopsters start getting into acting, that’s pretty much the end of their useful musical output. Mr M.Def, who you might remember from such films as The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and Be Kind Rewind, bucked that trend in style with this little beauty which featured thunderingly good grooves alongside some hefty messages. If you haven’t got this yet, go and get it now and come back and read the last four when you’ve done it.

I can wait….

Still waiting… Here’s a bit of the album to pass the time…

Got it… No? Then go back and get it….

Got it now? Good. Well done. Here’s number 4.

4) Show I slept on until 2009 then couldn’t get enough of – The Inbetweeners
I smashed down both series of this on DVD over a handful of very enjoyable days in autumn. It’s tremendo. You either already know this ‘cos you watched it or you don’t because you haven’t – in which case go out and get it immediately and watch it. Done it? Good.

Am worried for the future though (no spoilers, don’t panic). The main characters are at that difficult age – surely the show will quickly need them to leave school (but we don’t want them to mature or grow up) or it will look increasingly unrealistic and go a bit Luke Perry Beverly Hills 90210. Hey! Why not Twitter how you think the show should continue?

3) Best song from the second series of Flight of the Conchords: Sugalumps
Also the best song Prince never recorded.

2) Most unexpected emotion/event combination of the year (apart from crying at a kids’ film (see number 10)): Medium pleasure/England regain the Ashes
Back in 2005 I went what is commonly referred to as ‘nutbag’ for the Ashes. This time around it was ‘meh-bag’ at best. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoyed it, it just wasn’t quite as, you know, vital. Why? I’m not even motivated enough to tell you. Just google it (surely ‘googly’ it – cricket pun ed).

1) Most premature cancellation of a radio show just when I thought the hilarious ‘posse’ behind the main star were really hitting their stride: Stephen Merchant’s 6Music show on Sundays 3-5pm (latterly 3.30-5.30pm)

It was a sad day indeed when the mics were hung up on this broadcasting instiution in May. If I was capable of writing emoticons I’d probably do something like this :O( here.

Mind you, I was never really all that into the deservedly-unpopular Dan. His attendance was appalling and his contributions perfunctory. Still at least there’s this website, where you can log on and abuse him.

Did anything happen to you in 2009? Why not let a very, very small percentage of the world know about what happened to you in 2009, by writing about it underneath here! It’s the perfect way to pay tribute to 2009! It’s what 2009 would have wanted. 2009! 2009!