I wouldn’t want anyone to think that the demise of the Steve Show has quelled our almost pathological desire to hunt down new music.
Our New Music Quest (NMQ) was no affectation we adopted for the show. Me, Harry, Rufus and Sammy were NMQ-ing pigs, sniffing out fresh melodies like they were tune-based truffles.
For example, here’s one that, were the Show still on air, I’d be going Billy Mental for, The Phenomenal Handclap Band with 15 to 20…
Hubba. Those boys and girls are hot like fire, no doubt. But maybe one of the reasons I love that tune is because it’s got counting in it.
I love that in a song. Why? No idea (perhaps some cod psychologist steveshowposse.com lurker could reveal themselves and explain).
Vocally enunciating numbers in song form is on that list of things which just suck me in. When I hear a good melodic count, I freeze. I’m motionless and utterly absorbed, like a cat which has caught sight of a squirrel disappearing into a bush or a Jeremy Kyle guest who has just picked up the scent of a distant Greggs bakery.
In no particular order (rather ironically, seeing as I love a bit of counting) here are some things which enchant me when encountered in song:
- Counting (see, told you)
- A long note held by the singer while the music carries on. Bill Withers’ Lovely Day is an obvious one, although Thom Yorke does it in Radiohead’s The Tourist.
- Huge drums with fragile female vocals. Iceland’s Bjork does quite a bit of this, Lamb also.
- A crazy-ass bassline which is so funky it positively dares you not to grind. Try Aaron Neville’s Hercules. Irresistible.
There are obviously a gabillion other examples of all of these things – all suggestions welcome. But for now let’s stick with that numerical obsession. Not counting the Phenomenal HCB, here are Tiny Dan’s top five numbers with numbers:
5 – Isaac Hayes – By The Time I Get To Phoenix
A sure-fire contender for a future ‘Songs Steve never let me play’, this remarkable near 19-minute version of the Jimmy Webb classic doesn’t exactly hurry. The eight-minute 42 second intro consists of Isaac counting up seven failed attempts of our protagonist to leave some bad woman what done twisted his head up all ways – before a successful eighth attempt (albeit with three near U-turns) during which he starts wondering about what she’ll be up to when he gets to Phoenix. Then the real song starts. It’s a numbers dream. Thanks Isaac, you legend.
4 – The Orb – Perpetual Dawn
Yeah, I’m cheating a bit here, ‘cos the numbers element is only really a countdown from 10 to zero at the start of the track followed by nine minutes of awesome heavy ambient dub. But this scores plenty Tiny Dan nostalgia points, reminding me as it does of Saturday morning record fairs at the Bierkeller in Bristol in the early 1990s with Pauly Gay Eyes, going home to listen to records, then going to football, then going out in the evening to try to get served in a pub/meet pretty ladies.
3 – Boards of Canada – Aquarius
An elliptical but beautiful piece of music. The lyrics consist of a few kids saying “yeah, that’s right”, while a chap and foxy-ish sounding American lady alternately say the word “orange”. Three minutes in, the foxy-ish sounding one starts counting. When she gets to 36, she kind of gives up and starts chucking random numbers out there, some of which don’t even exist. Oddly peaceful, certainly groovy and definitely superb. I give it sixtyten out of ten.
2 – The Stranglers – School Mam
The almost-impossibly filthy closer to the No More Heroes album depicts some post-lesson activity which these days would certainly result in police action. The song, like the action described in the lyrics, builds to an insane climax in which Hugh Cornwell demonstrates rudimentary knowledge of the multiplication tables, gets foxed by dividing 128 by three then tries to count to 50 using decimals along the way. It’s as unsavoury yet nuts as it sounds.
1 – The Pointer Sisters – Pinball Number Song
Jeebus funking Christ. Is it any wonder that us kids who were kids in the 70s and 80s are so much better than our modern-day counterparts? Our children’s telly featured proper heavy duty badness, not least this extraordinary groove (regularly featured on Sesame Street) in which the sisters yelped random numbers over a backing track so tight it could injure a horse. I mean seriously, you wonder why today’s society is going to hell in a handcart? This is the answer, right here.
Got any more? Infuriated by my choice? Let me know right here and now! And email your friends with this link asking them for their suggestions for a top five of songs which in some way vaguely relate to counting (they’re desperate to contribute). Remember, you also cannot follow me on twitter and I’ve largely stopped accepting new facebook friends.
Steve Show Posse 
A good counting song is Ten Seconds To Midnight by Divine Comedy.
Brilliant Pointer Sisters rev. The reason today’s kids are hoodie-wearing, knife-wielding, old-lady-scaring, elephant-stealing, jam-poisoning, double-parking disgraces is the lack of educational guest appearances by pop stars on Sesame Street.
Witness REM’s shoddy monster-based attempt. In my day it would have been Nik Kershaw doing a song about Venn diagrams.
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The classic counting song I love is Violent Femmes’ “Kiss Off” which counts from one (“cuz you left me”) up to ten (which is for “everything everything everything everything”)
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The Pointer Sisters Pinball song is a classic and was always one of my favorites. Another was Cab Calloway’s majestic “Hi De Ho Man” performance found seen here:
Surely, no 6-year-old who is exposed to such a mind-altering song can ever concentrate on anything else ever again.
The major counting songs that come to mind for me would be the count which begins “Taxman” (which itself begins the record) by the Beatles and the countdown to liftoff in “Space Oddity” by David Bowie. Each case exhibits, for me, the kind of absorbing force you describe.
I think maybe the reason counting in songs has that effect is that it’s the “Counting Sheep” principle. If it were silence or spoken nonsense, the mind would still be going. And if it were normal lyrics, the mind searches for the meaning. But number counting occupies the middle ground: it has form, it contains information which occupies your attention but it’s simple enough (and repetitive and rhythmic) that it “blanks” the mind almost like a trance state.
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Good theory Bret. The numerical-increase/decrease-as-lyric certainly works best in those songs which have that mesmerising, trance-like quality.
Or maybe I’m just so soft of mind that the simple act of counting stupifies me. Either way, I’m on to a winner!
Hoorah!
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